Family Guy You can't trust a killer whale
by Phil From Produce
Summary: Peter's love of boats and Lois's love for animals collides, sending the Griffins to Seaworld, and Lois somehow being able to talk to Tilikum.
1. Deciding where to vacation

Title: Family Guy; You can't trust a killer whale

Summary: Peter's obsession with boats and Lois's desire to go to Seaworld collide into Lois becoming a whale trainer who can talk to Tilikum.

Rated: M for Mature

Disclaimer: Family guy is owned by Seth McFarlane, and I do not. Therefore, This is Free Fanfiction, not to be sold for profit illegally.

Note: This particular fanfic must be read with a dark sense of humor in mind. The sensitive subject of whale captivity, and trainer deaths are mocked. If you are offended or opinionated on the subject matter, Please hit "Back" on your Web browser and read something else. I don't want to reply to crybabies.

Chapter 1 - The Quahog boat show

The Quahog news 5 crew was at the local Quahog boat show.

"Good afternoon, i'm Tom Tucker!" said Tom Tucker

"And i'm Diane Simmons. Today we are at the annual Quahog boat show, where the local seamen can get a good look at ships, and scrape the barnacles off her hull!" said Diane

"Well Diane, now that you mention seamen and your hull, i'm about to throw up." said Tom

Over a ways, Peter and Lois were checking out boats.

"Oh boy, how about this one, Lois?" asked Peter

"I don't know Peter." said Lois

"Really Lois? You can't trust a vessel with the name S.S. Titanic?" said Peter

"No, I just can't. Besides Peter, we're just here to look." said Lois

Over at the mermaid tank, Chris was totally enamoured with the mermaid girls. One of them swam up to Chris, and planted a kiss on the glass.

"They're so pretty." he glued his eyes to the mermaids

But Stewie, on the other hand, was less enthusiastic.

"Look at that skinny red-haired one, who is she? Molly Ringwald with

a crack addiction?"

Chris kept leaning up against the glass, then the glass shattered and all the mermaids fell into the viewing area. A fat mermaid landed on Stewie.

"Not a fat one! Oh, this is worse than that time the characters from Sesame Street ate at KFC."

(cutaway)

Gordon and Susan were eating fried chicken at the KFC on Sesame street.

Then Gordon started choking on something.

"What is it Gordon?" asked Susan

Gordon coughed out a yellow feather.

"Oh my god! Big bird! ahhh!" screamed Gordon

Then Gordon and Susan ran out of the KFC and as fast as they could

away from it. they ran past Oscar the Grouch.

"Now there's something you don't usually see. Black people running away from KFC."

(end cutaway)

Back home, Lois and Peter were discussing a vacation.

"So Peter, I was thinking about going to Florida." said Lois

"Oh, can we visit grandma and grandpa in Palm Springs?" asked Meg

"No one cares about N'sync Meg, we're talking about a vacation!" said Peter

"Can we go to Disneyland?" asked Chris

"We went to Disneyland last year, let's go to Seaworld again!" said Lois

"No way Lois! Remember what happened last time we went to Seaworld?" Peter asked

(cutaway)

The family's at Seaworld when Lois is given a kiss by the whale, when Peter runs up and punches out the whale.

"How long has this been going on?" he asked

(end cutaway)

"I heard that whale died last year from blunt force trauma. Something about a fat guy hitting him." said Lois

Then Brian chimed in.

"No, Lois! Peter! You can't go to Seaworld! Those animals are treated like crap." said Brian

"Of course they are Brian. They're animals." said Peter

"You don't get it, do you Peter? Animal cruelty is a problem! Even Bob Barker hates Seaworld." said Brian

(Cutaway)

Bob Barker was onscreen, talking.

"Be a winner for animals, by avoiding such sad exhibits. I hate seaworld! I also hate Adam Sandler! He worked for one in 50 first dates!"

(end cutaway)

"Well I agree with Brian, we're not goin' to Seaworld, that's final." said Peter

"They have boats there." said Lois

"Sold! Kids! Pack your undies! We're goin' to Seaworld! This is gonna be more fun than Ball-in-a-Cup!" said peter

"No, No, No! Don't do another Ball-in-the-Cup joke! They got old a long time ago!" blurted out Brian.


	2. Tilikum can talk?

Chapter 2 - Seaworld Vacation

The family was sitting down and watching the whales jump through hoops.

"Wow, that's really something." said Peter

"Peter, those whales are jumping because if they don't, they don't get to eat." said Brian

"Brian, stop being such a buzz killer." said Lois

Down at the tank, the trainer was on the microphone.

"Everyone, this is Tilikum! He's never hurt or killed anyone! He's more

gentle than Gentle Ben!"

(cutaway)

"Mark, could you come over here?" asked Mr. Wedloe

"Yes, dad?" asked Mark

"There's an unrecognizable dead half-eaten body in the backyard, does Ben have a leg or something?" asked Mr. Wedloe

"No way, Dad! Ben wouldn't do a thing like that!" said Mark

"Oh really!" Mr. Wedloe pointed at Ben, chewing on a leg.

"Who did he eat?" asked Mark

"i'm not sure, let me see if there's any ID." Mr. Wedloe looked in the dead body's wallet.

"Oh, it's just Snooki from Jersey Shore. I guess that's not a big deal. Although we'd better check Ben for Herpes."

(end cutaway)

"Does anyone want to come down here and feed Tilikum a fish?" asked the trainer

"Oh me! Pick me, Pick me!" said Lois

"Lois, stop, you're embarrasing me." said Peter

"That lady up in row 4, come on down!" said the trainer

Lois walked over to the trainer.

"What's your name?" asked the trainer

"I'm Lois." replied Lois

"Have you ever met a whale before?" asked the trainer

"Oh, once, but i'd rather not get into it." said Lois

"Well, here's a fish. Careful, it's slippery." said the trainer

"That's what she said!" blurted out Lois

The whole audience laughed

"Ok, Here I go!" Lois said

Lois turned to the whale and threw the fish into his mouth. He gobbled it down. The audience clapped.

"Good job, Lois!" said the trainer

"Thank you." Lois turned her back on the whale.

Then she heard a deep voice "That's one fine ass."

She gasped, and turned to the whale. It had come from that direction.

"Are you ok?" asked the trainer

"Oh, oh, fine, fine." said Lois

"Well, thank you all for coming! Check out our dolphin display over there!" the trainer pointed over at the dolphins.

As the group walked towards the dolphins, Lois stuck around and looked at the whale.

"Did...did you just talk to me?" asked Lois

"I sure did sweet cheeks. I understand every word you're sayin." said Tilikum

"Oh my god! A talking whale!" said Lois

"You should stick around, I like trainers like you, better than that one a few years ago."

(Cutaway)

Instead of seeing a trainer, we see Peter Griffin.

"Ok, Ok, everyone who's watching this episode of Family Guy, listen up. We wanted to show the clip we had, but you see, it's about this lady, and she's uh, oh how do I put this, uh, oh geez...uh, she's dead, and her family didn't want her death footage broadcasted, so unfortunately, you're gonna have to use your imagination...well, that's it. I'm glad we took the high road on this one...Wait, wait a sec, what?" Peter looks over to the side.

"Ok, we aren't going to show the clip, but I get to do a recreation with this Barbie doll and this dinosaurs hand puppet from McDonalds. yeah, I got it on ebay, 2 bucks."

Peter put the hand puppet on his hand, and grabbed the Barbie doll.

"Whale! Do what I tell you!" Peter mimicked the Barbie with a high voice "No, you evil blonde lady, I am a 6-ton monster, I will eat you! Dun-dun-duhhhh! Dun-dun-duuuuuh!" Peter then clamped the puppet on the Barbie. "Rawr! I will eat you." then Peter quickly spoke again in his normal voice "Hey how come she has no nipples?"

(end cutaway)

"Oh well, i'll try. Let me talk to my husband!" Lois runs off to Peter and the kids.

"Peter, i've made a decision! I want to stay here for a while!" said Lois

"Lois, we've been over this, we can't afford to have Boyz 2 Men perform at your birthday. Geez, you think money grows on trees." said Peter

"No, Peter! I wanna stay and be a whale trainer!" said Lois

"No, No, Lois! You can't do that! You will be doing cruel things to animals!" said Brian

"What he said." said Peter

Lois quickly said "They have boats here."

"Sold! We're getting an apartment in Orlando!" said Peter

Then Peter turned to the audience.

"And by the way, do you know how the name Orlando came to be? The Calrissian family discovered it."

(cutaway)

Mr. and Mrs. Calrissian are sitting on a beach, Mrs. Calrissian is pregnant.

"So what are we gonna call the town?" asked Mr. Calrissian

"Well, what are we gonna name the baby?" asked Mrs. Calrissian

"Well, we could name him Ryan. Or Lando." said Mr. Calrissian

"Lando! I love it!" said Mrs. Calrissian

"Orlando! Let's name it that!" said Mr. Calrissian

(end cutaway)

"And now you know! Hehe, stick around we got more Family Guy coming up!" said Peter


	3. Lois wears the wetsuit

Chapter 3 - Free tilly!

The family was sitting down and watching TV together, but Lois wasn't there.

"We now return to Inuyasha. Today's episode, Kagome's Driving test!"

Kagome was trying to drive but she eventually crashed into Sango and splattered her all over the windshield and knocked herself out. Then Inuyasha ran over.

"Oh man! My insurance is totally going up! Damn it! I guess that's what I get for letting an asian girl drive."

Then the door opened and in walked Lois.

"Lois, where have you been?" asked Peter

"I was at Seaworld getting my new uniform." Lois then proceeded to take off her shirt,

and show off her black and white wetsuit.

"Holy crap, that looks hot." said Brian, totally enamoured by Lois's strip. But then he came to his senses.

"Lois, I can't believe you're doing this! What happens if the whales decide to attack you?" asked Brian

"Brian, don't be silly, whales don't hurt people!" said Lois

"Lois, have you ever heard of Ann Godsey?" asked Brian

"No." said Lois

"She was the girl who was in that 1971 video getting attacked by a killer whale and nearly

losing her leg!" said Brian

"Oh, isn't that the girl that also had her bikini bottoms fall down?" asked Peter

"Yeah, that was." said Brian

"Oh I remember that." Said Peter

(Cutaway)

Little Peter was watching the Ann Godsey video. He slowly reached into his pants. 3 seconds later a wet stain forms on his crotch.

(End Cutaway)

"You know what!? I don't care! I love those animals! And I don't think they'd want to kill me either!" said Lois

"Well, I know someone who does." said Stewie

"i'll be at Seaworld." Lois slammed the door shut.

"Don't worry kids, she'll come home when she gets hungry." said Peter.

At Seaworld, Lois was walking with the trainer.

"OK, Tilikum hasn't intentionally killed anyone, so you don't have to be nervous." said the trainer

"Intentionally? You mean he might?" asked Lois

"If you smell like fish, maybe." said the trainer

"Well, then it's a good thing i'm wearing my new bikini bottoms!" Lois started laughing

The 2 ladies got to the tank.

"Now just get to know him, i'll be back with a bucket of fish." the trainer walked off.

So Lois took the time to talk to Tilikum.

"How are you doing, Tilly?" asked Lois

"Tilly? That doesn't sound too tough. I like Til...it rhymes with kill." said Tilikum

"Til? Really?" asked Lois

"I'm a killer whale, what? They didn't call me cuddly cute whale, or rubber-skin smiley face whale, no! They call me killer whale! Cause I kill things!" Tilikum said rather loudly.

"OK, ok, i'll call you Til. But I kinda like Tilly better." said Lois

"How about this. I'll let you call me Tilly...on one condition." said Tilikum

"What's that?" asked Lois

"Well, the trainers have this thing where they come and rub my chest, and it feels really good, but i've always wanted to rub theirs but they didn't understand me." said Tilikum

"So what are you getting at?" asked Lois

After a short pause, Tilikum let it out.

"Let me lick your chest." said Tilikum

"Oh, for God's sake, if it makes you easier to talk to." said Lois

Lois sat down at the edge of the pool, and Tilikum started licking her.

"Oooh, this is nice. Your tongue is warm...my breasts are like...being massaged. I feel like Keri Russell in Honey, I blew up the Kid."

(Cutaway)

Mandy was looking up at a mega-sized Adam Szalinski.

"So, how do I babysit you?" asked Mandy

"Oooh, Barbie!" said Adam, picking up Mandy

"No! No! I'm not a Barbie! Put me down! Not my new top!"

Adam started ripping off Mandy's clothes.

"No! Don't bite them!"

Then sounds of sucking can be heard.

"Ooooh, that's nice...Wait, you're 2...Put me down!"

(end cutaway)

"So...how old are you?" asked Lois

"Old enough." said Tilikum

"How big?" asked Lois

"Oh, it's about 2 feet long. Flacid." said Tilikum

"No, No, I mean how much do you weigh?" asked Lois

"Oh, that! Um, about 6 tons." said Tilikum

"You're quite slim for 6 tons." said Lois

"You're quite sexy for 42." said Tilikum

Lois had a charmed giggle "Oh, How'd you know I was 42?" asked Lois

"I could hear you telling the trainer in your application over there." said Tilikum

"You're quite smart for a whale." said Lois

"But this slimness I have...it's not because I exercise...it's how much I eat." said Tilikum

"Well, it said in the pamphlet that killer whales can eat 1000 pounds a day." said Lois

"And i'm only eating a few. I'm starving! And they won't feed me, dammit!" said Tilikum

Tilikum began to cry like a whale

"Oh god, you sound like Free Willy." said Lois

"Hey! I hate Willy! Willy stole my first girl!" said Tilikum

(cutaway)

A young trainer is working on the pools edge when she slips in.

"Mine!" yells Tilikum

"Mine!" yells Willy

Tilikum grabs the trainer and bites into her thigh. She screams throughout.

"Yum, yum, you look tasty." said Tilikum

"Hey! that's mine!" said Willy

"Then catch it." said Tilikum, throwing the trainer in the air.

Willy caught the trainer and brought her under. Tilikum chased after Willy

and tried to take the trainer back. They struggled under the water.

"Damn it! You killed her!" said Tilikum

"No, she's just sleeping, let's keep fighting over her!" said Willy

(end cutaway)

"She could've been mine. Instead that bastard bit her full of marks and

stole her clothes!" said Tilikum

"It seems you've lived a sad life." said Lois

"I have, damnit! I want out! Get me out, and I swear i'll never kill another trainer again!" said Tilikum

"Ok, how am I gonna get you out of here?" asked Lois

Just then, Randolph the native shows up.

"There's a truck outside, it'll be enough to carry Tilly."

"Good! We gotta free Tilly!"

A few moments later, the trainer walks back.

"Geez, no noise, I guess Tilikum got her too..." then the trainer gasped at the sight of the empty tank.


	4. A whale of a chase

Chapter 4 - The whale of a chase

Back at the apartment, the Griffins were now watching the local news.

"...And that's why Ken dolls don't have a penis. Now, we have some breaking news! A local whale trainer is on the loose with one of Seaworld's prized killer whales, Tilikum. The trainer, identified here, as Lois Griffin, aparently got the whale onto a truck with the help of a native american man and this person seen here."

The video screen showed a picture of Goku from Dragonball Z

(cutaway)

"Oh god, how are we gonna lift you into the trailer?" asked Lois, Staring at Tilikum.

"I know how!" Goku suddenly showed up

"Ahhhhhhh!" yelled Goku, transforming into Super Saiyan mode

He picked up Tilikum and put him in the truck.

"Oh boy, that was too easy! I want a tougher challenge next time!" said Goku

(end cutaway)

"Mom's on TV! She's getting away with a killer whale!" exclaimed Meg

"Oh jeez, this is worse than when I was in the church choir and forgot the words to Noel."

(cutaway)

Peter was doing a solo for the Catholic church's choir.

"Noel, noel, noel, noel..." then Peter had a long pause.

"Um, um...Pat Sajak...told me...There is no "L."

The congregation was shocked.

(End Cutaway)

Back on the highway, Lois and Randolph were going down the highway at high speeds.

"Drive carefully Lois! I don't want to be smashed all over the road!" said Tilikum

"I know, Tilly! just hang in there." said Lois

"Hey! Who's the jerk in the Prius?" asked Tilikum

Lois looked in the rear-view mirror and noticed Brian.

"Oh my god! It's Brian!" said Lois

Brian was following Lois, Making sure that she would stay safe.

"Look out!" Randolph blurted out

Unknowingly, Lois ran over a bunch of stop sticks and had to force the truck to a halt. Fortunately, Tilikum stayed on the flatbed truck. However, being that it had come to a halt, The Orlando PD had prepared to arrest Lois and Randolph.

A few moments later, the cops were leading Randolph and Lois to the cop cars.

But before they could put Lois in a cruiser, the trainer came up to her.

"Lois, you're fired. Give me your uniform." said the trainer

Lois immediately undid her wetsuit and stripped down to her bikini. The gathered crowd watched in shock. Brian's jaw slapped the ground.

"May I please say goodbye to Tilly?" asked Lois

"Well...Unless you can lift 6 tons and run like the wind, I guess it's ok." said the trainer

Lois was escorted over to the whale.

"Tilly, i'm sorry." said Lois

"It's OK Lois, you tried. But I guess humans will never figure out that us whales are free spirits, we like to swim free and not be bogged down by stupid tricks and shoestring diets, and that we do love people...But people have to love us for who we are and not try to change us into circus acts." said Tilikum

"Yes, you're right." said Lois

"At least you know that. I'm gonna miss you." said Tilikum

"You too, Tilly." said Lois

Lois gave Tilly a hug. Tilikum started licking Lois's cleavage. A thud could be heard in the background.

"What the hell was that?" asked Lois

"My penis thudding against the ground." said Tilikum,

"You were licking my breasts! Now that I think about it, that's kind of disgusting!" said Lois

Then Keri Russell walked up.

"Well, now you know how I feel." she said

Back at the apartment, Peter and the kids were in total shock.

"Holy crap, Lois is on Felicity!" said Peter.

()()()()


	5. Bob barker sends us off

Chapter 5 - Everything goes back to normal.

Back at the family's home in Quahog, everything was ok.

"Well, it's glad to be back home again." said Peter

"Oh yes, i'm so glad to be home too." said Lois

"Lois, you did the right thing by trying to free Tilikum. I'm proud of you." said Brian

"Thank you Brian." said Lois "But i'm not sure having a grand theft auto, a theft over $1000, and multiple endangerment charges were worth it."

"Yeah, but Bob Barker was real nice to bail ya out! I bet that's 10 million bucks he's never going to miss." said peter

"Ya well, he did bail me out..." said Lois

And then Bob Barker walks into the shot.

"But not before I put my plinko chip in her $10,000 slot!"

The audience starts laughing

"Thanks for watching Family guy, and remember, help control the pet population, have your pet, spayed or neutered. Goodnight everyone!" Bob Barker addressed the audience.


End file.
